How to Not Get Murdered

You may have noticed that every time someone is murdered, particularly someone young, you always see them described as follows:

“She was such a happy, popular girl”
“He had so much to live for”
“She lived life to the full”
“He really loved life”
“He always had time for other people”

Do you notice a pattern here? It seems that if you are a happy, popular, optimistic person, you’re statistically more likely to be killed by some psycho than less cheerful types. You never see murder victims described as follows:

“He was a miserable bastard”
“He hated life to the full”
“She was extremely unpopular”
“He spent his life eating junk food and masturbating”

The only possible conclusion to be drawn from this is that if you don’t want to be murdered, you should be a miserable, misanthropic bastard who hates, and is hated by, everybody. If you don’t live life to the full, chances are you’ll be able to waste your life well into old age.

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